Today’s post is from the #backtobloggingAGB prompt: One thing about today you want to make sure to remember one year from now.
The nanny had taken Sofia out for a walk. I was bundled up on the couch, eating my lunch, and staring at the dreary weather outside. Blah, I thought. Who would want to even bother venturing outside right now?
And then as I was playing on my phone, my glance happened to fall onto my my 10K Trainer app. “30 minutes,” I thought. “I can make it happen. It’s just 30 minutes.”
I went to the room, put on some workout clothes, got my socks on, and cued up my playlist. As soon as Sofia & the nanny got home, I put on my shoes, said a quick bye, and left the house before I could try to talk myself out of my decision.
But as my luck would have it, the moment I made it outside, the rain began. I debated for a moment. And then since I knew Amir was walking Kobi, I called him — “do you think it’s worth going running in the rain?” “Yes,” he replied. “You can do it. Just go.”
So I started up my app, walked into the rain, and made my way towards the canal that would lead me to the park. I crossed Amir during my 5 minute warmup walk, gave him a hug & a bye, and kept going.
My warmup wrapped up and the running started. Within minutes, the struggle began. The self doubt that has taken up residency in my brain came tumbling out.
“I don’t want to stop to walk and follow the program.”
“People will think I’m a total wuss.”
“Look at that person go.”
“Man, she’s so much faster than me.”
And then, something came over me. My foot hit the ground, I took a deep breath, and with the exhale, I just let it all go.
See, I’ve been putting all this pressure on myself for the last few months. I want to lose weight. I want to look like I did when I got married. Why can’t I control myself like other people do? Why do I keep falling away from every program I start? But in that exact moment, I just stopped. I wasn’t going to let those thoughts control me any longer.
The running & the walking became just another part of my exercise instead of a fight. And as one foot went in front of the other, I continued to exhale out all the negativity & anxiety I was holding onto in my head. I was smiling, bopping my head to the music, and watching the leaves as they blew all around me.
And for the first time in so long, I allowed myself to truly enjoy the moment. I let the feeling of my feet hitting the track make me happy. I found joy in doing something good for myself without any expectation.
As I was walking back home, I set morning alarms to go run. Not because I feel as if I’m obliged to, but because I wanted to.
This happiness & this comfort?
I hope I never lose it again. I pray that the feelings I found today stay with me every day. Because, honestly, I’m tired of being down on myself. And because, in a year, I want to look back to this post and know that this was the day that changed my mentality for the better.